Do You Have Enough Time for a Good Marriage?

by Larry Bilotta

Let me ask you…do you know how many hours a day you SHOULD be spending on your marriage?

A happy, healthy marriage requires that time is spent WITH each other, ON each other and FOR each other. Unfortunately, most couples forget this and focus on other things they consider (at the time) to be a “priority”.

So just what are some of the demands are married couples faced with?

o Planning and attending the children’s events

o Fussing over wedding, shower, christening, birthday and anniversary gifts for loved ones

o Taking care of pets and day-to-day household chores

o Maintaining the home and vehicles

o Attending and preparing for church related events and gatherings

o Spending time with extended family and friends

Add to this the fact that some couples are faced with serious “road blocks” that put a great deal of pressure on their marriage such as:

o Dealing with a serious illness in the family

o Elderly parent moving into the house

o An affair

o A serious accident

o Financial struggles such as bankruptcy or maxed out credit cards

o Loss of a child or loved one

o And the list goes on…

In order to put each spouse’s time into perspective, let’s take a look at what they do during a typical 168 hour week:

Activity Time Spent Time remaining in the week

Sleep: 8 hrs/day | 56 hrs/week – *112 hr remaining

Job/Travel: 9 hrs/day | 45 hrs/week – *67 hrs remaining

Eating & Prep: 2 hrs/day | 14 hrs/week – *53 hr remaining

Kids issues & events: 3 hrs/day | 21 hrs/week – *32 hr remaining

Household maintenance: 1 hrs/day | 7 hrs/week – *25 hr remaining

Phone conversations: 1.5 hrs/day | 10.5 hrs/week – *14.5 hr remaining

Friends/Social life: 1.5 hrs/day | 10.5 hrs/ week – *4 hr remaining

And where do those last 4 hours go?

According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than four hours of TV each day (28 hours per week / two months of non-stop TV-watching per year). Let’s not focus on the idea that in a 65-year lifetime, a person will have spent nine years in front of a TV!

But let’s not assume that you are the average TV watcher. In fact, if you’re reading this article, you’re probably not watching anywhere NEAR that much TV. Instead, ask yourself: Do you have enough time for a good marriage?

To answer this question, we’ll need to discover what a “good marriage” REALLY is, and then we’ll discover the actual amount of time a “good marriage” requires in terms of hours per week. I have worked for many years now teaching married couples what they WISH they had learned BEFORE they got married.

I can explain what a good marriage is based on and what men and women need to be happy in marriage. In fact, I’ll get right down to it…

A man needs sexual intimacy and respect.

A woman needs financial security and emotional security.

Period.

When I work with couples, I give them these definitions and then ask them to give me a percentage on how much they are getting these needs on a 100% to 0% scale.

Over the years, I have found that in all good marriages, they each give me a rating between the 80% to 100% range. This means that a husband’s wife builds him up, overlooks his faults, looks for what’s good about him and takes a genuine…well, let me not waste words.

I’ll explain it concisely by showing you what a Real Wife and a Real Husband does to create a happy marriage using my Real Husband and Real Wife definitions which you can download here: http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/real.pdf

In a perfect world, men and women would have these two signs posted their bathroom so they could read it on a consistent basis while they prepare for their busy day. I guarantee that any couple who even comes close to these definitions would tell you they are generally very happy in their marriage.

So how much TIME does it take to create this ideal marriage? After dealing with all the day-to-day life issues listed on the time chart you saw earlier, the remaining hours left for your marriage could EASILY be spent on watching TV.

TV is easy. It requires no thinking, no physical activity, no interaction with other people and no sacrifice on your part. You just sit down and let the cares of the day slowly drift away while you consume yourself with your favorite TV show.

The Neilson study about time use dramatizes the fact that Television is the #1 form of entertainment in the Nation. Nothing else even comes close in terms of time commitment. Americans in general are looking for the easy life that Television delivers.

It’s a fact that no relationship is as intense, demanding or as fulfilling as a marriage can be. It is the toughest, yet the most rewarding relationship you can have with another person. So WHY then do we choose to make EVERYTHING ELSE our top priority while we leave only 4 measly hours a week devote to our marriage?

Now think about this because I guarantee you haven’t before. Does anyone actually care about the health of YOUR relationship, your connection with each other and your marriage? In this society, marriage is the goose that lays the golden eggs and my point is no one really cares about the goose.

Let me prove my point that your marriage is the goose and everyone wants your “golden eggs”. Your children don’t care about your marriage …..until mom and dad are in big trouble and can’t stop fighting. Both sets of your parents don’t care about YOUR marriage.

In reality they care about their own son or daughter in the marriage, not the marriage itself. Your extended family members don’t care about YOUR marriage …but they do care that you bring a gift for nephews, nieces and come to the party…but they have nothing to say about your marriage.

Friends don’t care about YOUR marriage.They are polite to you as a couple, but really care about you as individuals…the person they knew BEFORE the wedding.

Your kid’s school won’t care about your marriage. They just need to know which one of you is going to volunteer for the fund drive or show up for parent teacher night.

It’s rare for churches – synagogues to care for your marriage. For most, it’s just not on their radar. They have no preventative maintenance program for married couples to keep them from falling into disrepair.

When it comes to assets, the goose of your marriage has got the goods. Marriage makes the two of you more stable and financially successful because of your union. Together you produce the golden eggs that build a strong Nation. Marriage has been ignored in this country thought it is the most VALUABLE and BENEFICIAL of all relationships.

No one has suggested “National Marriage Day” to bring to light the fact that marriages must be cared for and nurtured. We must protect the goose that lays the golden eggs. Instead what we have is a “goose killing society” because they don’t understand marriage.

When a marriage falls apart, friends, relatives, coworkers, schools, and even religious organization don’t know what to tell you. They don’t know what to do because very few people understand what it takes to create a successful marriage and even FEWER people know why marriages fall apart.

With this background in mind, it’s easy to see how the two of you will be influenced to put your priorities where everyone says your priorities should be…ON THEM! This is the reason your time, (one of the goose’s major assets) is freely given away to everyone else and only 4 hours a week is left for the male and female halves of the goose, to take care of itself.

If no one cares about the health of your marriage and the two of you don’t care either, then where does that leave your family? Who will care enough to keep your marriage together if the two of you don’t even know how? Who in this society will strengthen your marriage if not the two of you?

The answer is NO ONE…because no one cares about the goose. And this brings me to my conclusion that… “Only a HEALTHY Goose Can Lay Golden Eggs”

Hopefully you can now see that your marriage is the goose that lays the golden eggs. Together, you create secure and successful children that will shape our future and the future of our Grandchildren.

Together, you pay the taxes that run our cities, the mortgages that build new homes and create the wealth of society. It is as husband and wife that the two of you contribute to a strong society. Together, your savings and investments make this a stronger Nation…as a union, the two of you lay the golden eggs that contribute to our great Nation…and the prosperity of every human being on the planet for that matter.

So how do you take care of the goose, how to you keep your marriage strong? You must talk to each other to strengthen the goose. Talk…as in CONVERSATION, not just in passing. Talking, sharing ideas and listening to each other takes time and 4 hours a week is the absolute MINIMUM amount of time that you should spend doing this activity.

Talk openly and be sure not to criticize each other while you are talking. This will add depth to your relationship and keep your marriage strong. Probably the most well worn piece of marriage advice is to plan a “date night” on a regular basis.

You plan that date and suddenly the world of demanders comes and tries to steal even that little time from the goose. Don’t let it happen. Take a closer look at all the time restraints on your marriage that you would normally use to serve the needs of others and remember that Only a Healthy Goose Lays Golden Eggs, and improving your marriage takes time. It will not happen overnight.

You need to be in a good state of mind when the two of you face the unexpected and uninvited troubles of life that might take the form of bankruptcy, a sick child, or various kinds of addictions that could affect either of you.

If collectively, you are not a “healthy goose”, those troubles can rip the goose apart and one-million five hundred thousand divorces a year prove it. In times of trouble, you must talk to each other MORE, not less. To talk, you need to feel safe with each other. To feel safe, both of you need to really listen to each other without judgment.

If you have to vent your troubles and worries, take turns, then put it all behind you. IT ALL TAKES TIME. Give your marriage the time and the world will continue to thank you for your golden eggs.

Wondering if there’s still hope for your marriage? Discover how to save your marriage. Get FREE tips and advice to help you get your marriage back on track the RIGHT WAY at Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Saving web site http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Larry_Bilotta

Questions to Ask About Your Marriage

There are tons of articles written on business plans, marketing strategies, taxing planning, car maintenance and so on. But is the same type of analysis ever recommended for the most important job in your life, that of being a spouse? Your marriage may be very good, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t review your current situation to determine areas of improvement. Maybe there is a particular pet peeve that annoys your spouse. Have you done anything to address this “flaw” in your personality? Or has the attitude been: he or she can deal with it.

Take a step back and look at your marriage over the past year. Is your marriage flourishing? Which is doing better – your marriage or your business? Which do you spend more time on?

Are you spending more hours at the office and less at home? Are you spending more hours glued to some “electronic leash” and having less social interaction with your family?

Issues can crop up slowly over the course of time and don’t reveal themselves until the problem is serious. Perform some preventive medicine with your marriage. Look at your marriage over the past six months. A year. Pick out any areas of improvement. Discuss them with your spouse, if necessary.

Bottom line: don’t let your marriage ride on auto pilot. Maybe the next time you take your car in for an oil change, you can also spend a few minutes reviewing your relationship.

@WeddedWisdom

An Unhappy Marriage? 8 Helpful Tips to Make it Happier

by D. P. Haynes

Married and feeling desperate, disappointed, discouraged and unhappy is not what most couples signed up for when they said “I do.” Married and dealing with infidelity, loneliness, low self-esteem, lack of communication, disrespect and unhappiness is definitely not what was expected with your marriage commitment. Well, statistics show that over 50% of the marriages today end up in divorce. I can give you 2 reasons (in my humble opinion) why there is unhappiness in most of the marriages that end up in divorce. Selfishness and lack of love!

In a broad sense there are some common problems in a marriage that take the marriage from a blissful relationship to that unhappy marriage stage such as;

• Abuse (Physical and Emotional)
• Communication
• Fighting
• Commitment by one or both spouses
• Infidelity
• Money
• Intimacy
• Jealousy

 All of the above issues can lead to an unhappy marriage. If you have been married for a little while (it doesn’t take long) you probably stumbled upon one of these issues. You may not have become unhappy with your marriage but a brief flash of “oh no what did I get myself into” probably popped into your head. If you haven’t hit one of these marriage hurdles yet, trust me you will.

Let’s deal with the selfishness that ignites a lot of the fires in a marriage and turns them from happy to an unhappy marriage.

Here is the definition of selfish just for the record; devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

A very selfish person is very difficult to either be happy in a marriage or make a spouse happy, unless they change and become less selfish during the marriage. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people being joined together as one. It’s no longer my stuff and your stuff, or my time and your time or my money and your money. Everything is now “ours” once you get married. A very selfish person is unwilling to put their spouses’ interests, benefits, and welfare first. This can lead to an unhappy marriage.

Can an unselfish person be responsible for making the marriage unhappy? The answer of course is yes. However, I believe you have a much greater chance of having a happy marriage instead of an unhappy marriage because an unselfish person is more likely to grow together with their unselfish spouse and become like one.

To make a marriage become better and go from being an unhappy marriage to a happy marriage we need to get the selfish spouse(s) to see how putting their interests ahead of the spouse or in some cases the entire family is causing frustration, hurt, disappointment and could lead to unintended results, such as a divorce.

Now let’s tackle the love or lack of love that makes a marriage unhappy.

Here is the Webster definition of love; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Here is a better definition that I like and if it exists in a marriage there is a greater chance for happiness instead of an unhappy marriage; Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. That’s the real meaning of love according to the Bible. I don’t think you can have an unhappy marriage with this kind of love.

Does it mean that if you love your spouse with this kind of love you will never have issues to overcome in your marriage? Of course not! However, do you think you have a better shot of having a happy or unhappy marriage?

So the key to being happy or working towards fixing an unhappy marriage is less selfishness and more love. Sounds pretty simple but is very difficult to do. It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks right? WRONG!

Every person is capable of change. It’s called making a commitment to doing so and following through. If you want to stop smoking you can. If you want to stop drinking too much alcohol you can. If you want to stop gaining weight you can. If you want to be happier in your marriage you can. The only difference is sometimes it takes both spouses to be willing to change for the sake of making an unhappy marriage better.

Here are 8 basic things or tips you can work on to move from the unhappy marriage stage to the happy stage of marriage. If you and your spouse can work toward the same goal, that would be best. If not, you make a commitment to make things better and your spouse will come around eventually.

1. Fighting fair– Don’t bring up things from the past that were supposed to be forgiven and forgotten. It’s like pouring salt on an open wound. Don’t say hurtful things about your spouse that you know will cause a lot of pain, and add to unhappiness in the marriage.
2. Stop sweating the small stuff– Make it a point to stop getting aggravated, frustrated and disappointed over little things that really aren’t that important. Overlook the little things that you normally complain about that gets under your skin. You know what they are.
3. Enjoy being around your spouse– Don’t disappear when your spouse comes home or when they enter the room your in. Stop acting like you enjoy life more when they are out of the house, out of town or at least not in the same room as you. Let your spouse know that you enjoy it when you are together.
4. Don’t talk negative about your spouse to others– It’s very easy to share what’s wrong with your spouse that’s driving you crazy. Stop doing that immediately. No spouse likes to be talked about in that way. It’s not okay to make jokes about your spouse around family or friends that betrays a trust. If you don’t have anything positive to say don’t say anything.
5. Talk to your spouse– It’s not okay to go hours or days playing the silent I’m not talking to you game. There is nothing gained by shutting down and not talking to your spouse. It’s difficult at times but the only time you should not be talking is if for some reason you are really upset and need a little time to cool off. Otherwise, keep the lines of communication open. I know not talking times gives you peace of mind. But don’t settle for a temporary time of peace when you could work on fixing your unhappy marriage problem.
6. Act like a married couple– Don’t take separate cars to the same place unless it’s really necessary. That’s what you did before you got married. No separate vacations, or bedrooms. You need to be committed to being a couple and not married singles.
7. Don’t take advice from the wrong people– There will be many family, friends and enemies who will offer you free advice. Be careful who you talk to and more importantly who you listen to. It’s very difficult for a spouse to be happy in a marriage knowing that you have blabbed your marriage problems to the world. You also don’t want to follow advice from someone who has been married 3 times. It’s better to limit the circle of people you discuss your marriage with and you also don’t always need to share all the details. The wrong people can’t tell you how to fix your unhappy marriage problem
8. Support your spouse – Make sure you are there for your spouse even though you don’t want to be. If there is a family function with your in-laws don’t stay home. Be there for your spouse. The same thing goes for work or even playful functions like a sporting event. It’s important for your spouse to know that you care enough to be with them even though they know you don’t want to be around certain people. It shows that they mean more to you than your feelings about other people.

There are many ways to take your unhappy marriage and make it better. The key to Restoring Your Relationship is to work on being less selfish and being more loving. Put your spouse’s interests ahead of yours and you will be happier and so will your spouse. Living in an unhappy marriage is difficult and hard to sustain. If you need some proven strategies and techniques to make your marriage better I would suggest taking a look here at Save My Marriage Today. You deserve a happy marriage because that’s what you agreed to when you said “I do”. Take the steps to get what you deserve. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=D_P_Haynes

Love and Marriage – Making Both Last

by Paige Mercer

Love in a marriage is what makes the marriage complete. You and your spouse should show a commitment to love and marriage, thus making both last.

Reflect on the following ideas:

Self Understanding

When you understand yourself, you know how far you can go and you know how much you can take in. when you understand yourself you will also understand your spouse. You will love them with all their strengths and short comings. You will love and care for them just the way they are. You will not take advantage of the other partner when you understand yourself. Having self understanding is key to Love and Marriage- making both last.

Communication Skills

How do you communicate? How do you address your partner either in front of people or when it is just two of you? Respect is fundamental in any marriage. When you respect your spouse, others will not have a problem respecting her too because they will be afraid of hurting you. When you do this, the other party feels appreciated. Even when things are not right, choose your words carefully because words can make or break your relationship. Choose to communicate wisely because you look forward to making both love and marriage last.

In-law Intrusion

Almost 90% of marriages suffer in-law intrusion. This could be dangerous but with proper planning it can be sorted out. Never make a decision in favor of your in law. This is because the other partner may feel dishonored and disrespected. When an in law comes in between the marriage, both partners must be careful to making both love and marriage last.

Show Appreciation

Appreciate your spouse for everything – both the big and the little achievements. Ensure your partner always feels your love. In whatever he undertakes, let him or her know what you feel because though they might not show it, your decisions affect them in one way or another.

Dish out Complements

Giving complements does not cost much but it means so much. Complement each other as often as possible. Being complementary takes conscious effort. Do it every time and it will become a part of you. This way, when your partner thinks of you they know they are deeply loved and appreciated by someone special. They hold or carry you in their hearts dearly.

Have humor and Laughter

Humor and laughter make a marriage beautiful. When you are a joyful couple even when you face difficult situations, you will always come out strong. You will learn to weather through the good and the bad times as you journey through life together.

Love and Marriage- Making both last is not an unachievable task.

About Paige Mercer
Paige is a graphic designer who enjoys fitness and the outdoors. She uses mobile printers so she can work anywhere, even outside! She enjoys nature, reading and fitness. Check out her website, http://www.bluetoothprinters.net to learn how you can print from anywhere in your house – even outside!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Paige_Mercer

Do Marriage Counselors Do More Harm Than Good?

By Larry Bilotta

Before you begin screening marriage counselors to help you save your marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks of marriage counseling so you can get all your facts straight FIRST. This article will help you avoid making a costly mistake that could not only set you back financially…but cost you your marriage as well.

In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors, a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr. William J. Doherty, gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his fellow professionals.

According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS, not helpful to your marriage.

Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced by most marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your marriage.

All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number of struggling couples. There ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling – they are so effective in fact that even professional marriage counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than they do marriage therapy.

In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, “Even fans of marriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it doesn’t work as well as we once thought and it might not last.” That report reinforce the research that shows a great majority of marriage counselors conducting therapy have had no formal training at all.

This research further documented that two years after couples went through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSE OFF than before they started the therapy.

Up to 38% of them actually divorced.

Perhaps what’s even more shocking is the fact that therapists who actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.

If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority will tell you that they find working with individuals much more “productive” than working with couples.

Dr. William J. Doherty stated, “Couples therapy is the most difficult therapy of all because every session starts with the threat of divorce”.

After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 address at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty called the methods of marriage counselors, “Hazardous to your marital health.”

He established four ways that marriage counselors have produced DESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.

According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do more harm than good in your marriage…

1. By being incompetent

2. By being neutral

3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is “sick”)

4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up the marriage)

INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They believe working with two people is an expanded version of working with one, but it is not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a battling couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure and a very different approach than one-on-one therapy.

NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are not neutral about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to be neutral, but actually takes sides with the more self-oriented spouse, they are undermining the marriage. “When a counselor uses the language of individual self interests, it undercuts the moral commitment that is owed to the marriage.” Doherty stated.

PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple has a “sick” relationship. They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, “Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?” These marriage counselors make couples believe that they’re being abused, which causes both spouses to draw their only conclusion: “If the professional thinks this is over, then I should too.”

UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases like, “You should probably end this marriage.” or, “If you’re going to stay sane, you should move out.” Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to sever their relationships with family members and spouses.

If you’re looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists’ values by asking questions like these:

1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in working with couples?

Bad Answer: College educated.

Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.

2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping a couple break up?

Bad Answer: “It’s not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision.” (This is an evasive answer…not a good sign.)

Good Answer: “I help couples find ways to stay together and help them understand and overcome their problems.”

3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants a divorce?

Bad Answer: “I try to get people to understand their own feelings.” (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)

Good Answer: “This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to help them both handle this in positive ways.”

4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?

Bad Answer: “I find working with husbands and wives individually to be more practical.”

Good Answer: “All of it. When both people are with me and following my process, I find they have the greatest success rate.”

5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have a better marriage in the end?

Bad Answer: “100%” or “I don’t keep that type of information.”

Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.

The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confident and positive.

Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if you’re hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer you’re looking for.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Larry_Bilotta