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2nd part of a series

by Jamie Alan

Part II of “Ten Tactics & Strategies to Help Save Your Marriage”

6. Getting Active. Start something new for yourself. Get motivated and get moving on something that you have been putting off or always wanted to do but just never had the time. The more you work on other parts of your life the more complete you will be. You must become the person you once were when you first got married and to do that is by just being you. Doing an activity that is productive and that has been in your mind will facilitate this process entirely. Plus the energy that surrounds you from your achievements will be positive and will reflect onto others in example your partner.

I cannot stress this enough. Sometimes marriage can seem a bit consuming when there is trouble and this makes it impossible to view objectively. Passion is the enemy of precision and will deter you from seeing any solution that may present itself. By concentrating on something other than your marriage you can distance yourself from it and see things a lot more clearly.

This will also build up your confidence in yourself as well as give you more energy by raising your natural serotonin levels. All this will make you more appealing, attractive, desirable as a person. So you will in no way be wasting your time. Your marriage is worth the work and consequently so are you!

7. Project a Positive Self Image. Even if you feel like you are dying on the inside, do not let it show.At least not to your spouse. The more you act happy, the better the chance you will end up happy. At first this will seem like a completely fake and stupid thing to do but it will help you in your marriage crises in ways you cannot see at the moment. Studies indicate that the more positive energy that you project outward the more positive energy tends to return back to you in relationships.

This is a lot like ’emotional hot potato,’ or the ‘domino effect’. An example: The fathers boss screams at him and in turn he goes home and yells at his wife. She(the mother) in turn scolds her son harshly for leaving out the milk and he then, the son torments his little sister who then smacks the dog for… You get the point. It can be just like that only in reverse. Positive images create positive attitudes. The more uplifting you can be the better off the situation can tumble upwards.

One important thing to keep in mind is to use common sense in applying this. If you are truly angry or upset over something do not repress it, nor let it all out at once. This is just a suggestive guideline to save your marriage and not something solid or complete. There are times when it would be inappropriate for you to deny yourself of your true feelings. Not to mention unhealthy.

The best thing for this is to have someone to talk to. Someone you can trust, & let out your frustrations and complaints to. It does not always need to be a therapist in order to be therapeutic. It can be your mother, father, friend or whoever. Just make it a point to identify with your feelings and not to bottle them up. Which can make things much worse.

8. Learn Some New Ways To Approach Your Concerns. Obviously the ways you address your problems are currently not working all that well. Find new creative ways that will work, like using *I* statements when your asking for changes. When your spouse does something that your not happy with address it right away before it builds up and gets out of hand.

Think about it first and then with calm and collective premeditation help them understand the reason behind your requests in place of pointing a judgmental finger.Try them out on others,(that do not mean as much) first, before adding pressure to your already stressed marriage relationship.

9. Do Not Apologize Anymore. This one is another common sense suggestion. What I am talking about is when you make the one you love feel uncomfortable in front of others or something similar. Just say that next time you will definitely know better.

If you get into the habit of constantly apologizing for things it can get annoying, plus subconsciously this makes for admittance to wrong doing. If you apologize you are making plain that you are at fault and that something is wrong. Never apologize, instead suggest a solution out loud and remark that it was unintentional.

10. Empower Yourself To Your Situation. Knowledge is the key to power. Get the best information you can find on helping you save your marriage.This advice is critical and must be from outside of your circle of friends. Just make sure it is up to date and from a dedicated professional.

Unfortunately, the best advice is not something you will find for free; otherwise it is not “THE BEST”. The best advice works and it sells for exactly that reason. A professional or expert, went to school and was trained in what provides the best solutions possible to save your marriage. Otherwise, the information would not be worth selling. Chances are if the information is selling well, then the information also works well too.

The good thing here, is that it does not have to cost an arm and a leg and it will certainly be much cheaper and easier than divorce. Marriage help is best begun from the bottom up. Start with an e-book, to find out if your marriage needs the more intensive treatment and more expensive “Marriage Counseling”. It will be worth it in the long run because your marriage situation will improve and you will learn more of what you can do about any future marriage problems.

Saving your marriage is a learning process. This will come from finding out about what other marriages going through and what has worked for them.The right Information is the key to empowering yourself and giving you the confidence and reassurance that you are doing what is right.

There is so much more to learn for your specific marriage situation. Certain anecdotes that others apply may very well be all that you need to change things around and progress back into a happy marriage. Getting the marriage that you deserve is something you have to decide and want by taking action. Things will only continue to get more entangled the longer you put it off.

Note:

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jamie_Alan

Marriage_couple_older_back_beach_513x341by Jamie Alan

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Marriage is not easy because life is not easy. Once you begin a life together, problems will come up. There are certain things you will need to learn in order to save your marriage and improve your relationship. When we are emotional, we tend to let it get the best of us before we even realize it. Using certain strategies and tactics used in everyday life can help avoid some of our unhealthy emotional reactions

If your marriage is experiencing problems and divorce has come up, then chances are good that it is a cry for help from your spouse. It is a vital warning sign that saying; “If things do not get better, then it is over”. This is your chance to save your marriage and make things better.

It is very important that you learn the right things to do here because the wrong move, could make things worse. It could speed up the process or finalize the decision of divorce.

It is obviously a critical time for your marriage and if you intend on staying married you will need to find the right information and apply it correctly. There is so much involved that it is not possible to cover everything, all at once right here, but there are some actions you can take to get things started.

I will provide ten different strategies to help save your marriage and stop divorce from being inevitable. The things that you can do during the period of time when your spouse is considering divorce are best provided by professionals who are experts on this subject. Taking action on your own can actually cause more harm than good. So be extremely careful to find the right, the best information to save your marriage.

The guidelines to follow in an attempt to reverse your spouse from contemplating divorce are simple enough to learn, however, to apply them and put them into practice are a different story. It requires a certain amount of determination, devotion, and self-discipline on your part but you absolutely can save your marriage if you utilize these requirements.

This will not be easy, but will certainly be worth it in the end, once your marriage relationship is back on track and your life can begin improving overall.

The ten strategies to save your marriage & stop divorce are listed in order of what to do first, then following the sequence chronologically. In other words, try not to skip ahead or start in the middle as each one requires support of the previous step.

1. Give them space. Especially if there was recently a big blow-up. Yet even if there was not one, still let things go for at least 24 hrs. if not longer. People need time to process what is happening to them. The more you agitate the situation the more desperate you appear and the more problems seem to be piling up on them. If it appears that there is just more of the same then the decision for divorce will be an easier more firm one to make.

If you allow them time to think things through they will ultimately reason out that divorce is a huge deal and final too. They will not rush this decision unless you apply more pressure. Even though your intentions are to convince them otherwise it will not come out that way during this time. It is a delicate balance of subtlety and silence.

Quietness builds character and mystery. Once your spouse is through contemplating their thoughts will then turn to what they wonder you are thinking. IF you are constantly telling them what you think then they have no need to wonder about what your thinking.

2. Analyze and Identify with yourself. During this time of *SPACE* do some inventory of yourself and find out what it is that you can either improve on or discontinue doing that may have caused issue or problems previously. Identify the major issues that you believe you do that are responsible for causing the trouble. Once you have done an adequate amount of self-reflection then ‘quietly’ ask yourself what your spouse does,(without blaming them) that bothers you.

It is more important that you analyze yourself first & also more intensive than your spouse because blaming others is easy. Saving your marriage means saving yourself. Taking responsibility for yourself is the real challenge.

One thing I like to do is write down all my shortcomings, inadequacies, and faults. It makes it a lot easier to see and then I will list them in order of importance. Devise a way to catch yourself from continuing on in the same manner, so that you can improve on your faults. Then, ask yourself if this is something that your spouse is also guilty of, and if so will they be willing to admit to it.

The important thing to remember here is this is more about you than your spouse. It should be focused on you so that you and your spouse can better relate and get along. Find the one most important thing that you believe bothers your spouse and focus all your work on resolving this particular issue. Make that change and make it clear that you have made that change.

3. Break the Silence, Softly. After all your reflection and self analyzing, gently ask your partner if you can explain something to them. Be as soft and sincere as you possibly can. The way in which you approach your spouse is very important to how you will be received. If you are still the same then they will not believe what it is you have to explain. Then ask them if they have thought more about it. Listen, to them intently and then begin explaining to them what you have just done.

Consistently keeping eye contact until a certain point and then explain to them that this is about yourself and not them. Tell them you have thought a lot about everything and that you have come to the conclusion that you need to work on yourself.

Explain how you both owe it to your marriage to try your very best otherwise you may look back on your lives with regret. No one wants to think back to what might have been and in almost every case of divorce this ends up being the case. People always report wondering, ‘Did I do everything I could? Was there something I over-looked?’ Explain this to them so that they understand how necessary it is to be thorough. Divorce is serious business and involves a whole lot of outside elements beyond your marriage.

4. Remind them of A Happier Time in Your Relationship. This is very important. Get them reflecting on positive things about the relationship and what it means to the both of you. This will help in reminding them of the reasons you both got married in the first place, you fell in love. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with this each other and you knew there would be some hard times. Through sickness and health good times and the bad.

Tell them that this is also very difficult for you and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. Explain to them that you want to know that you both did everything possible before getting a divorce so that you will not look back in regret like so many others do. The next part is very difficult but very effective and before you think it is crazy check out the statistics.

5. Suggest Trial Separation. Do not just suggest this as a bluff, but be completely ready to do this. Actually mean it and be prepared to do it. At least for a given amount of time. Statistics indicate that marriages that go through with this, actually became stronger and did not divorce as opposed to those that stayed together. The married couples that tried to work things out and stayed together ended up in divorce court and never got back together. Those that went through a separation stayed married. This is the facts. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder and you will both miss each other and reflect on what is really important, Your Marriage!

Be sure to indicate that this in no way, shape, or form suspends the oaths you have made to each other. You should both remain faithful in every way. Just because you are taking time apart does not mean you ARE apart. Set up guidelines and make sure everything is clear and then stick to it.

The amount of time apart should be settled on between you both and should also be long enough, though not too long. This is why it is so important to get more explicitly detailed information from professionals who are expert on dealing with this kind of thing. It works and is extremely effective in maintaining a healthy, happy, marriage relationship between you are your loved one.

Note

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jamie_Alan

Marriage couple older togetherBlogger, lead pastor and writer Kevin Thompson penned an excellent piece on the one trait he believes is the most important one you need to look for in prospective partner for life.  Thompson explains that the vow “in sickness and in health” is more than just a saying.  It involves the one characteristic that is a “must have,” or a “deal-breaker” in the person you are considering marrying.

When the going gets rough, is this the person you want to suffer with?  Can you work together through the pain?  If the answer is “No,” you have a serious problem.

Read more of Thompson’s advice here.

Marriage_couple_older_back_beach_513x341Valerie and Walter Scott just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, and they shared with The Daily Echo newspaper their reasons why their marriage has been so successful.

“My advice would be that you have to let each other have some space and some time to yourselves sometimes,” explained Valerie. She also expressed that she couldn’t believe that they had made it 6 decades together.

Her loving husband added, “We share everything together and we work well together. So I would say that you can only be in love if you are going to get married. You cannot do it for any other reason such as finance or convenience, only for love.”

The couple met at the young ages of 15 and 20 when he was a student and she was working at the Leicester Colleges of Technology and Art.   The full story can be found here.

Blogger Matt Walsh has hit a home-run with a recent article of his, addressing how porn habits can affect the success of a marriage.  Walsh begins by saying:

I know a guy who cheats on his wife. He cheats on her every day. He cheats on her multiple times a day. He’s a husband and a father and a serial adulterer.

I shouldn’t know this fact about him, but it came up in conversation a few days ago. We were talking about the divorce rate; both of us gave our theories as to why the statistics are so high. I mentioned in my diagnosis a few studies that show pornography to be a root cause in over 50 percent of divorces annually.

He laughed. “People don’t get divorced over porn.” He went on to explain that porn isn’t a “big deal” to most people. It’s not “like it’s cheating or something.” He told me that he looks at it multiple times daily. His wife, he insisted, might be a little peeved if she knew the extent of it, but only because women overreact about “that kind of thing.”

What kind of thing? Their husbands spending all day obsessively plunging through the darkest regions of the internet for graphic sexual images of rape, abuse, perversion, exploitation and other forms of filthy depravity previously unknown to mankind?

Yeah. That kind of thing.

Men, are you interested in fixing this serious problem?  Read the rest of Matt’s fantastic article.

by Ryan Rivera

Marriage Older married couple flowersA successful marriage is made from more than just wedding rings and legal documents—it mainly consists of that immaterial and priceless element known as trust. However, trust can waver, and even be broken, at which point high amounts of anxiety about both your legal and emotional bonds come into play.

The following tips will help you learn to reintroduce trust, and consequently, success to your marriage.

 

 

  • Keep to Your Word – Make a point of making promises you can keep, and, most importantly, actually keeping them. Take to writing yourself reminder notes or setting alarms to ensure that you are consistently honest and on-track. However, don’t police each other, or allow the other person to police you—ask them politely to allow you to prove yourself, instead. The more often you show the other person that you are keeping to your word as entirely as possible, the more confident they will become in your trustworthiness and in the strength of the marriage as a whole.
  • Be Direct – Don’t harbor mistrust if you are really bothered by something the other person has done or is doing. Keeping your mistrust a secret for fear of hurting the marriage further or resorting to spying on or resenting the other person can be highly damaging to trust that needs to be rebuilt. Instead, begin with sincerely explaining why you are feeling mistrust, and discuss with them ways in which you can reassure each other without encroaching on one another’s personal freedom.
  • Address Mistrust Calmly – If trust has been lost, any further instances of mistrust must be handled extremely gently. It doesn’t matter if apologies have been made and promises sworn. If something comes up that makes the other person anxious and suspicious, ask them about it and answer as calmly and thoroughly as you can without making any accusations or escalating the situation.
  • Complement Each Other – Complimenting each other to rebuild trust only works if you really mean it. The trick is to look for things you really do appreciate or that mean a lot to you about the other person and to let them know that you value them as often as possible. This will help you both associate the other person with shared positive moments, and to have concrete reminders of their (and your) incentives to be committed and trustworthy.
  • Be Patient – Think of rebuilding trust as rebuilding a house that you will both have to live in. Trying to rush things more or less means you end up living in a foundationless, clumsily-built house that has no strength to withstand either disasters or the test of time. Building up positivity and closeness will take patience, and even when the house is built it may still require maintenance from time to time, but the more care you take with the rebuilding of trust in your marriage, the more safe and secure you both will feel within it.

Mistrust and anxiety happen to everyone once in a while, while meeting and marrying someone you truly care about is much rarer. Following the above tips will help you make your marriage outlast your temporary unhappiness, calm your anxiety, and perhaps even make it stronger than it was before.

About the Author: Ryan Rivera has seen the struggle that people go through when they’re feeling anxious about their relationship. He writes about overcoming that anxiety at http://www.calmclinic.com.

Sometimes I think marriage is wasted on the young. The qualities that insure a happy marriage are those most of us only begin to master after going through many painful life lessons. I didn’t marry for the first time until I was 53 years old, and by that time I had been through so many rocky relationships that I was “forced” into learning how to be a better woman.

Pain was my greatest teacher. I finally stopped using it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and began to pay attention to how it was asking me to change. The arrogance of youth kept me very self-centered and wanting relationships to go my way. For a long time I neglected to cultivate and nurture the qualities that I needed to have a healthy marriage.

Here are the five qualities I began to explore and develop within myself. I could write a book on each one, so I will touch on them only briefly. To me they are all necessary components of a healthy and happy marriage.

1. Open-mindedness

“Willing to consider new ideas; unprejudiced.” When you are used to running your own life in your own way, it can be very off-putting when you’re suddenly living with someone who has different interests and different opinions than you. You may find yourself thinking, “I can’t believe he thinks this is a good way to spend his time” or “why does he always react that way, it makes no sense.” These things are easier to tolerate before you get married; afterward you tend to take them more personally.

A major cause of conflict in couples is the belief that everyone should think and feel the same way about everything. It is difficult to accept or respect someone else’s point of view, especially when to you, it just seems wrong.

You may feel compelled to correct your partner, pointing out to them all the reasons why what they think wrong and why what you think is right. How easily can someone change your mind about something by telling you you’re wrong? This form of persuasion never works.

Open-mindedness implies not judging what is right for someone else based on what is right for you. It requires that you put the judgment of right and wrong aside and accept and appreciate a different point of view.

2. Compromise

“A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions.” If you have lived alone for a long period of time you can lose sight of what it feels like to not get your way. I lived by myself for 20 years before I got married, so you can imagine how comfortable I was making all my own decisions. With no one to answer to, I fell into a mindset that made me oblivious to how easy I had it. Even when I was in a relationship I still had the power of choice and lived on my own terms.

Whether you’ve been alone like me, or lived with a boyfriend, compromising on most decisions, if you are not used to it, can be a shock. When you’re married, virtually every decision you make affects another person. Not only do you have to come to an agreement on the big issues such as money, where you will live, or where you’ll vacation; but there are hundreds of smaller decisions that you now have to share like what time to eat or what to do Saturday night.

When you are open to compromise, you find that there are things you have to give up for the sake of the relationship, and it isn’t always easy.

If you are someone who has gotten used to always being in control, it is important to prepare for “not getting your way.” First, be honest with yourself and admit that you like to do things your way. Then begin to practice compromise in your life with your friends and family. You might even find that it is a big relief not always being in charge and actually let other people share the responsibility. It may be hard at first but there is a lot you can gain by letting someone else take the lead.

3. Patience

“The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” This is a big one! It requires not only patience towards your partner but patience towards yourself as well.

One of the biggest destroyers of marriages is anger, primarily when it is misused and misdirected. When you form an intimate bond with someone they can become a lightening rod for your anger and frustration just because they are there and accessible. It is easy to project your bad feelings onto them and start blaming and criticizing. It takes a lot of self-awareness to catch yourself when you behave this way.

The quality of patience allows you to create more peace in your life and therefore a more peaceful marriage. It helps you navigate problems and upsets with a clear head and prevents you from being an adversary to your husband.

There will be times when your husband will do things or say things that will “push your buttons” and make you want to lash out at him. But if you can cultivate patience, you will find it easier to take a breath and chose to react with love and kindness.

4. Forgiveness

“To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Forgiveness, like patience, involves defusing and replacing anger and blame with acceptance and love. Anger has many expressions but will show up most of the time in the form of resentment and grudges. If these are not acknowledged and forgiven they will fester and grow. Like a toothache, ignoring them will not make them go away and they will begin to truly poison your marriage.

Forgiveness does not condone bad behavior but it allows two people to remember that they are both flawed, and both deserving of being forgiven.

5. Generosity

“Showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.” If you marry the right person, your husband will value your happiness as much as his own and that is a great gift. As human beings we need to be taught early how to share with others and how to unselfishly put someone else’s interests above our own.

If you did not learn the lesson of being generous to others as a child, you can still cultivate it now. It requires being conscious of other people’s needs and giving your time and energy when appropriate.

We all want to feel we are special, that we are worth some extra effort and care. If you look back, the people who you remember with the most fondness are the ones who really extended themselves to you.

In my early 30′s one of my friends lent me money when I was really desperate. I was laid off from my job the day before I was set to go on an expensive two-week vacation. It was a stretch financially for her, but she took the risk of giving me the money not knowing whether or not I would be able to pay her back. But I did, and since then she has always had a special place in my heart.

The example she showed me of generosity without any benefit to herself left a deep impression on me. Cultivating a generous spirit brings a sense of safety and comfort to a marriage. It allows both people to go beyond themselves and create a union that is supportive and strong.

If you can master all of these qualities early in your life, you will be way ahead of the marriage game. But if you are like me, it may take the benefit of age to cultivate them, to finally become the woman who can have the marriage of her dreams.

Virginia-Feingold-Clark_WWarticleVirginia is an award-winning relationship coach who works with women in troubled relationships as well as with single women who are looking for their Mr. Right. She helps women find true love throughout the United States as well as internationally.

You can visit her website for hundreds of articles, tips and advice:

http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com/

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Virginia_Feingold_Clark

Troubled marriage? Restore the Love

Remember?

by Don Sizemore

What if you could save 73% of the troubled marriages that come through your door?

Marriage is precious. It is the building block of society. If you save a marriage, you save a family and if you save a family maybe you save a culture. This is not hyperbole, it is documented research findings. Every social science study on the affect of marriage for adults and children demonstrates its dramatic impact on health, wealth, and well being. It is virtually indisputable that a good and lasting marriage is the best investment anyone can make, irrespective that we are hard wired to connect and multiply. Married people live longer, are more likely to avoid significant health issues and they build more wealth, and their children are more likely to make life work for them.

We have the means to restore struggling marriages, and not only restore but form lasting emotional bonds that make us safe, secure, and happy. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a primary tool of restoration as the most researched and documented effective couples therapy. A meta-analysis of several studies found that 73% of couples treated with EFT recovered from their distress and 86% made significant improvement in their relationship. These are outstanding results for any type of counseling, much less with distressed couples who wonder if they are sleeping in the same bed with their enemy.

About five years ago, I became interested in EFT. In the past two years I have entered into a training program developed by the founder of EFT (Dr. Sue Johnson). I have been a licensed therapist for over thirty years and this certification process is the most comprehensive, demanding and effective post graduate study training I have ever experienced. This is not attend a seminar, fill out a survey and get your certificate. Dr. Johnson and her organization (ICEEFT) have “protected their brand”. You have confidence in your competency to practice EFT when you complete the certification process.

That is why I am writing you. Seven out of every ten couples you refer will find their way back to each other. Almost nine out of ten will see significant improvement. I invested the time and money to be trained in EFT because marriage is too important, especially today, not to provide the best chance possible for saving a marriage, a family, and maybe a culture.

Introduce your organization to EFT through a “Hold Me Tight” seminar.

Schedule an Office Visit

Is there a couple you know in crisis? A Three Day Intensive may be what is needed.

How to Treat Marriage

Kylie Bisutti and her husband

Kylie Bisutti and her husband

Is it possible that a Victoria Secret model could serve as a great role model for the sacrament of marriage? It’s more than possible.

Superstar model Kylie Bisutti has decided to leave Victoria’s Secret because it clashes with her Christian beliefs.

“I just became so convicted of honoring the Lord and my body and wanting to be a role model for other women out there who look up to me,” Bisutti said on “Good Morning America” on February 9, 2012.

“It was more of just a heart issue for me,” Bisutti said.

Though she has cited her husband and her desire to keep their marriage special as factors in her decision to leave her lingerie modeling days behind, it was her decision alone.

Bisutti’s decision to leave the lingerie company was also spurred on by a powerful encounter with her 8-year-old female cousin.

“I was doing my makeup in the mirror one day and she was watching me,” Bisutti said.  “She looked at me and was like, ‘You know, I think I want to stop eating so I can look like you.’”

“It just broke my heart…”

Bisutti gave this explanation when she failed to show up for a Victoria Secret Fashion Show: “I have decided not to model lingerie Because I personally feel that I am not honoring God or my husband by doing it. My marriage is very important & with divorce rates rising I want to do everything I can to protect my marriage and be respectful to my husband. God graciously gave me this marriage and this life and my desire is to live a Godly faithful life, I don’t however judge others for what they do. Everyone is convicted on different levels.”

We commend Bisutti for her courageous decision to leave her glamorous life as a Victoria Secret model and choose her marriage instead.

Visit this ABC Link to view the GMAC interview with Bisutti:  http://soc.li/UE5iw2Q

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